Babies vs. Triathletes--Part 1

After spending an entire day registering for baby stuff with the “person-formerly-referred-to-(inaccurately)-as-TriMama” and our good and baby stuff-obsessed friend, I’ve come to few conclusions that might revolutionize the triathlon scene forever.

Bikes

 Let’s be honest—most of us aren’t pros and don’t average 25mph on the bike. I’ve crunched the data (because triathletes love data) and made a startling discovery: A triathlete’s average bike speed is inversely proportional to the coolness factor of their bike. In other words, the slower you are on the bike, the cooler it needs to be. There’s a simple reason for this too. If you’re superfast on the bike, the spectators can’t really catch a good glimpse of you (or more importantly, your bike) as you ride by on the course. But, if you’re one of the mid-to-back-of-the-packers like me, you need to have a cool bike because you’ll be passing the spectators slow enough that bike style and coolness matter.

There are a few problems with this, however. As I learned from my half-Ironman this year, being slower also means you’re out there in the elements longer. Sure, some might say that I should just train more so I’m faster. While this would be the obvious answer, it takes a LOT of work to go a little faster. Instead, I’ll take a quick look at some of the latest in baby wheels for the answers.

Notice how this cool baby ride has a huge, aerodynamic canopy, and how my “cool” tri bike doesn’t. Would that have helped prevent a wicked sunburn? You betcha! Also note the relaxed seating position and complete lack of pedals, gears, and shifters. I mean, I certainly would have had a MUCH faster run split if I could just have chilled out with a juice box and goldfish crackers while someone else did all of the work. GENIUS!

Snot

Triathletes (and cyclists and runners) spend a lot of time outdoors. We’re a reasonably tough lot, so minor things like allergies and colds don’t often keep us from training and racing. However, those things do create something that we need to deal with while we’re out there being awesome—snot. The solution (apparently) is the snot rocket. Now, while I’ve never really attempted this little maneuver myself, those of you that have know that this technique has its shortcomings. I mean, what about this screams “good idea?”

There’s really a lot that can go wrong. Sure, you might pull it off. But if you don’t, the collateral damage caused by such an act is far worse. At best, you end up wearing it for the rest of your ride or run. At worst, you don’t look before firing and manage to land one in the face of the person behind you. Come on—isn’t there a better solution? Actually there is, and we can find it in the aisles of the baby store.

Exit snot rocket, and enter snot sucker! Once you get past the stomach-turning concept of the whole thing, it actually makes a lot of sense. Clearly this isn’t something you could do for yourself. Come to think of it, I can’t think of too many friends that would help with this one either. Maybe further development needs to be done before it hits your local tri shop, so for now we’ll give babies an “A” for effort, but the win goes to the athletes. WOOT!

Apparel

Diapers are a staple of babyhood. Favorite brands and materials aside, they all serve the same function. Yesterday, I saw an innovation in diaper technology that blew my mind. Sure, it’s great for parents and baby alike, but I couldn’t help but think about this as a triathlete as well. Check it out!

There’s a little stripe on the front of the diaper that turns blue when baby had a wee. That is brilliant! I can hear some of you asking: “How on earth does that make you think of triathlon?”

Some triathlons (especially the half and full Ironman variety) take several hours to complete. Before and during the race, we need to drink a lot of fluids to stay hydrated and perform at our best. The problem is that sometimes the tank gets full, and you need to take action. The vast majority of us (myself included) use one of the on-course port-a-johns while others might stop at the closest shrub. There are, however, some triathletes that throw caution (and their pee) to the wind. Yep—they just pee while riding. And oddly enough, cycling/tri shorts aren’t really that different from diapers. (If you’ve ever been caught in a downpour while on a training ride, you’ll know what I mean.)

So I was thinking, what if tri/cycling shorts came with a wetness indicator like those diapers have? Competing in a triathlon is pretty fun (in a twisted sort of way I suppose), but what about the spectators? As much as we depends on their support, standing around for hours while waiting to see their athlete for a few seconds as they pass by can be boring. Adding a wetness indicator to the front of tri/bike shorts could be a way to give the spectators some insight into race and add a new level of comedic value to the sport. Babies get the win in this category hands down.

Conclusion

Babies: 2

Triathletes: 1
 

Week 22: Maternity Clothes

Luckily, 20+ weeks into my pregnancy, I haven’t had to worry about maternity clothes very much. Most of my summer skirts and dresses still fit fine and I hadn’t gotten around to donating that pile of “fat” clothes in my basement, so I’ve had plenty of things to wear. Just the other day, though, I started cleaning summer clothes out of my dresser that I know I already can’t fit in. I’m hoping that I can get by with what I’ve got for now until the temperatures start changing, so anything I buy can get me through fall and winter and I won’t have summer clothes that are useless in a month or two.

That said, I have a feeling that months and months of frustration are in my future. I’ve already found that it’s nearly impossible to find maternity clothes for working out. Bottoms probably won’t be much of an issue because I can just go up in size, but tops are a nightmare. Again, if I hadn’t started out wearing size extra-small or small, I could probably just go up a few sizes and get away with it. But since I have a petite frame, that’s not going to work so well (picture shoulder seams down to my elbows). As of a few months ago, I didn’t really understand how maternity clothes were designed (why would I have?) But I’m learning that I should be able to buy my regular size in maternity clothes, and the difference will be in the length and maybe the amount of fabric around the middle, but the shoulders and arms should still fit. Pants are another story altogether (and I see a whole post about them in my future). I haven’t had to wear any maternity pants yet, but I have tried on a bunch that were “donated” to me by friends and family. All I have to say right now is—who designed these things? I get the panels that come up over the belly. But why—if they fit in every other sense—do the crotches of some of these pants come down to my knees? What is going to happen to my body to fill in all of that space? And what’s with pants with no pockets in the back? Once they hike the waistline up to your armpits to cover the extra distance in the front, you need something to break up the space back there!

Oh – and here’s tangent number 2. I typically get 2 or 3 emails every day from some of my favorite stores that alert me to the “great” deals and sales that they have going on. Some of those stores don’t carry maternity clothes anyhow, so I just ignore them. What annoys me is getting emails from the stores that do carry maternity clothes that tell me “all jeans on sale” or “everything 30% off for one day only” and finding out that those sales don’t actually apply to the maternity clothes. Can someone explain that? What makes maternity clothes special? Isn’t the fact that women only need these clothes for a short time a good reason to put them on sale? If I could get a bunch of shirts at one time at a good price, I’d snatch them up! Instead, I’m reading bulletin board posts on the baby sites about women who have wardrobes consisting of 4 shirts and 2 pairs of pants that they hope will get them through the next 4 months because they don’t want to spend a bunch of money. I know my wardrobe should be at the bottom of my list of priorities right now, but I’m already so self conscious about how I look that if I’m wearing the same shirt day after day I’m going to crawl under my desk and hide. Sigh.

Anyhow, back to my rant about workout clothes. I’ve signed up for a few weekly or daily emails about pregnancy related topics, and they’re constantly reminding me that exercise is good for me and that I need to keep moving. However, digging a little deeper into the related websites reveals that their idea of the perfect workout attire is loose, breathable fabrics…especially cotton. Um, I’m sorry, but when did we go back in time to 1986? I haven’t been on the workout scene for that long, but ever since we joined a gym 5 years ago or so it’s been all tech fabrics all the time. These days if you participate in a race or a charity event and the free t-shirt isn’t made from “technical” fabric it seems almost useless. Who wants to work up a sweat only to end up with their clothes a heavy, wet mess? Not me, that’s who. Isn’t my body going through enough already without having to resort to cotton workout clothes? Apparently not. Because unless I want to pay $50 for a single shirt made from tech fabrics (and that’s not exaggeration), I’m pretty much screwed. This is the point at which I should be thinking “hey, I found a problem that needs a solution…maybe I can make some money off of this,” but instead I’m contemplating never going to the gym again. Good job, world.

The Most Boring Pregnancy Ever

Since I’ve been pregnant, the two questions I get asked most often are “how are you feeling,” and “have you had any symptoms,” to which I have mostly answered “I feel the same as I always have” and “no, none at all.” This makes me feel somewhat bad (or maybe just somewhat boring) because there’s not really any place to take the conversation from there. When most people think of early pregnancy, they think of morning sickness, endless trips to the bathroom, food aversions, a superhuman sense of smell, and who knows what else. What they don’t usually think of is only really knowing that your pregnant because the doctor has confirmed it several times over.

Don’t get me wrong….I couldn’t be happier that I haven’t had to deal with any of those crazy symptoms. When I was anticipating the possibility of morning sickness, I very seriously made myself mentally (and slightly physically) ill over it. For one thing, I couldn’t imagine being one of those people who can be flying down the highway on the way to work in the morning and casually throwing up into a shopping bag. Or worse, spending all of my time feeling decidedly nauseous with no release at all. Ever. I don’t know how I would get through life. I have a tendency to get carsick on windy, hilly roads, and once I start feeling that way, it’s basically all over. I can’t function. Don’t even ask me to try. I spent many hours wondering how I would get myself through the weeks like that, and I decided to face it prepared. I read up on all of the home remedies that people have used to battle morning sickness, and I went out and bought most of them. I decided that since everything I read told me that it might be difficult to get up in the morning without first getting something in my stomach, that I wouldn’t budge until Philip brought me a piece of bread and some ginger ale. We called it my “process” and it sometimes took as long as 30 minutes to get up and get going in the morning. When I did finally get out of bed, I was constantly monitoring every part of my body for issues (and probably making up bad feelings as I went through my mental checklist). It was kind of ridiculous. And when I finally realized that I wasn’t ACTUALLY sick, it was quite a relief.

On the other hand, the idea that you can get through your first trimester without any morning sickness leads some people to think that maybe there’s something wrong with your pregnancy. I’m fully convinced that people tell each other that morning sickness is a sign of a healthy pregnancy just to make each other feel better. It gives them a reason to focus on for why they have to put up with that crap, and it gets them through the day. I’m not knocking it. I’m sure if I was feeling miserable every day it would help to think there’s a good reason for it (maybe). But I don’t think it’s really fair to worry people who don’t have typical symptoms. Isn’t there enough worrying going on during pregnancy without adding on worries related to NOT being sick?

So, I guess my point is, I’m sorry I don’t have a lot to say about being pregnant. I don’t mean to be so boring!