Babies vs. Triathletes--Part 1

After spending an entire day registering for baby stuff with the “person-formerly-referred-to-(inaccurately)-as-TriMama” and our good and baby stuff-obsessed friend, I’ve come to few conclusions that might revolutionize the triathlon scene forever.

Bikes

 Let’s be honest—most of us aren’t pros and don’t average 25mph on the bike. I’ve crunched the data (because triathletes love data) and made a startling discovery: A triathlete’s average bike speed is inversely proportional to the coolness factor of their bike. In other words, the slower you are on the bike, the cooler it needs to be. There’s a simple reason for this too. If you’re superfast on the bike, the spectators can’t really catch a good glimpse of you (or more importantly, your bike) as you ride by on the course. But, if you’re one of the mid-to-back-of-the-packers like me, you need to have a cool bike because you’ll be passing the spectators slow enough that bike style and coolness matter.

There are a few problems with this, however. As I learned from my half-Ironman this year, being slower also means you’re out there in the elements longer. Sure, some might say that I should just train more so I’m faster. While this would be the obvious answer, it takes a LOT of work to go a little faster. Instead, I’ll take a quick look at some of the latest in baby wheels for the answers.

Notice how this cool baby ride has a huge, aerodynamic canopy, and how my “cool” tri bike doesn’t. Would that have helped prevent a wicked sunburn? You betcha! Also note the relaxed seating position and complete lack of pedals, gears, and shifters. I mean, I certainly would have had a MUCH faster run split if I could just have chilled out with a juice box and goldfish crackers while someone else did all of the work. GENIUS!

Snot

Triathletes (and cyclists and runners) spend a lot of time outdoors. We’re a reasonably tough lot, so minor things like allergies and colds don’t often keep us from training and racing. However, those things do create something that we need to deal with while we’re out there being awesome—snot. The solution (apparently) is the snot rocket. Now, while I’ve never really attempted this little maneuver myself, those of you that have know that this technique has its shortcomings. I mean, what about this screams “good idea?”

There’s really a lot that can go wrong. Sure, you might pull it off. But if you don’t, the collateral damage caused by such an act is far worse. At best, you end up wearing it for the rest of your ride or run. At worst, you don’t look before firing and manage to land one in the face of the person behind you. Come on—isn’t there a better solution? Actually there is, and we can find it in the aisles of the baby store.

Exit snot rocket, and enter snot sucker! Once you get past the stomach-turning concept of the whole thing, it actually makes a lot of sense. Clearly this isn’t something you could do for yourself. Come to think of it, I can’t think of too many friends that would help with this one either. Maybe further development needs to be done before it hits your local tri shop, so for now we’ll give babies an “A” for effort, but the win goes to the athletes. WOOT!

Apparel

Diapers are a staple of babyhood. Favorite brands and materials aside, they all serve the same function. Yesterday, I saw an innovation in diaper technology that blew my mind. Sure, it’s great for parents and baby alike, but I couldn’t help but think about this as a triathlete as well. Check it out!

There’s a little stripe on the front of the diaper that turns blue when baby had a wee. That is brilliant! I can hear some of you asking: “How on earth does that make you think of triathlon?”

Some triathlons (especially the half and full Ironman variety) take several hours to complete. Before and during the race, we need to drink a lot of fluids to stay hydrated and perform at our best. The problem is that sometimes the tank gets full, and you need to take action. The vast majority of us (myself included) use one of the on-course port-a-johns while others might stop at the closest shrub. There are, however, some triathletes that throw caution (and their pee) to the wind. Yep—they just pee while riding. And oddly enough, cycling/tri shorts aren’t really that different from diapers. (If you’ve ever been caught in a downpour while on a training ride, you’ll know what I mean.)

So I was thinking, what if tri/cycling shorts came with a wetness indicator like those diapers have? Competing in a triathlon is pretty fun (in a twisted sort of way I suppose), but what about the spectators? As much as we depends on their support, standing around for hours while waiting to see their athlete for a few seconds as they pass by can be boring. Adding a wetness indicator to the front of tri/bike shorts could be a way to give the spectators some insight into race and add a new level of comedic value to the sport. Babies get the win in this category hands down.

Conclusion

Babies: 2

Triathletes: 1