I guess I’m not having a very good week. But it feels more like I’m not having a very good life. If you know me well at all, you know that my head isn’t always screwed on very straight. Although I’m perfectly capable of taking care of the routine things that need to be done in life (planning meals, keeping the house clean, making a reasonable living, etc.), whenever something new or different comes along to push me off the tracks, it takes me a while to react and re-prioritize.
Some say that the reason a woman is pregnant for 9 (or make that 10) months is so she has time to adjust and adapt to the idea of becoming a parent. The problem is that I’m an “I’ll believe it when I see it” kind of person, so it’s really hard for me to adapt to something that I have absolutely no concept of. When I think about most things, my mind goes straight to the negative. Last year, for example, someone invited me to go on what they were calling the “stupid early Sunday bike ride.” I’m guessing the ride was in July, when we can take advantage of early sunrises and get a decent bike ride in before the temperatures become unbearable. When I learned that “stupid early” meant “be there by 6:30” my first thought was “no way!” Sleep is precious to me! I can’t get up and get moving that early! But I let myself be convinced. And you know what? I survived. And I enjoyed it. And I went back for more “stupid early Sunday” rides. So when I think about having a newborn in the house, instead of thinking about tiny fingers and toes and first smiles and all of that good stuff, I think of 4 a.m. feedings and poopy diapers and no sleep for months (this sleep thing is sure to become an issue, no?). I know a large part of the problem is that I haven’t been around an infant in a really long time. Hardly any of my friends have kids, and the ones who do I barely ever see. I know all of this is going to change, and that we’ll probably end up with a new batch of friends, but that’s part of that unknown future that I can’t get a good handle on right now.
Along those lines, Philip and I are struggling with the kinds of things I’m sure tons of parents-to-be struggle with, which all boils down to “what in the world have we gotten ourselves into?” The biggest part of that for us, I think, is trying to reconcile who we are now with who we are going to be once the baby gets here. Today, we are an active, fun-seeking couple with an appreciation for the fact that we can change our plans on the fly and do whatever we want with our time. We like having the freedom to go to the gym or not go to the gym after work during the week. We like being able to meet for dinner on short notice, or to pack up the car and go away for the weekend. We like long weekend bike rides and lingering in the parking lot for hours afterwards with our friends. But are we going to be able to do any of that with a baby?
We’ve made a lot of great friends over the past few years, and had tons of adventures. Our friends are the kind of people who plan their lives months--if not years--in advance so they know what their goals are for the foreseeable future. The upside is they’ve gotten us to try new things that we’d probably never have the courage to try on our own. The downside is that none of them have infants. So while it’s business as usual for them as they plan new adventure and make sure the calendar is full, we’re left wondering how our priorities will have shifted by then and whether we’ll be able to participate at all. I have to imagine it gets really old for them to hear us saying that we just don’t know what we’re going to be able to do. It’s certainly getting old for us. We don’t want them to stop inviting us because that would just give us an excuse not to even try, but it’s really hard to know what our balance is going to be in the future..
I know a lot of it will be up to us. One thing that we have going for us is that we’ve already overhauled our lives once. We went from couch potatoes who watched other people doing their hobbies on TV to people who get out there and experience life as much as we can. It’s improved our physical and mental health, and it’s improved our relationship, so I think it’s important for us to at least try to hang onto some of that. At the same time, I struggle with whether or not that’s a selfish or unrealistic goal. I know that some people let babies take over their lives, and others manage to fit babies into their lifestyles instead. I don’t know which camp we will fall into. I don’t know how we could know that right now. If I’m honest with myself, part of me is trying desperately to hang on to the life I know now, and another part of me is ready for a new adventure. I have a feeling “compromise” is going to be my favorite word in 2012.
So with all of that constantly rolling around in my brain, with detours now and then to examine furniture and paint colors and the endless search for the “right” name (and the added bonus of crazy pregnancy hormones), I just don’t know which way is up right now. The result is that I make it through most days okay, but I’m also apt to have a mental breakdown at any moment. My mouth ends up saying things my brain doesn’t mean. I fail to think before I speak, and the things that come out are apt to annoy, anger, confuse, or hurt the people who care about me. And when I realize what I’ve done, I’m suddenly in a tailspin of self-doubt and regret that I don’t know how to stop. Just when I need all the support and love I can get, I’m finding myself pushing away from the people who can give it to me. Including myself—I’m kind of tired of being around myself these days, too. I want the old me back. But she’s never coming back. And I don’t know what to do with that.
